Nothing but euphoria
I missed the official service except for a few last sentences. I went to savor of every sight, sound, and feeling of emotion.

I saw flags
I saw flags used as scarves, jackets, hats, ties, belts, vests
I saw a guy in army camouflage on a bike with a helmet that had a flag in it
I saw thousands of people listen, watch, wait
I saw people stare, cry, bite their lip
I saw people hug each other
I saw people taking pictures
I saw men in uniforms--fire and police
I saw people get sombr and quiet and as soon as it was over they snapped into a happy/silly mood
I saw a fireman hold his 4 year old daughter's hand
I saw the streets closed
I saw people go into churches in droves
I saw a memorial of photographs from NY
I saw people holding Kleenexes to their nose while waiting in line to see the photos
I saw people turn white at the site of the photos
I saw police everywhere
I saw firemen sit outside their firehouses and say hi to everyone
I saw the looks of questionning "what's going to happen to all of us? the world?" on their faces
I saw people with the looks of disgust on their faces
I saw the Sears Tower and imagined what it would be like if it was here instead. I put every image I saw of NY and replaced it with Chicago landmarks, streets, people on that day.

I heard sirens
I heard singing, horns, violins, pianos
I heard people talk about victims, peace, hope
I heard police radio scanners
I heard services echoing in the streets
I heard the crackle of emotion in construction workers, firemen, women, policemen, men when they spoke about the general ongoings of the day--what stuck was a 40 year old construction worker who was asked by a coworker if he was alright. You could just hear the 100% emotion and pain in his voice when he said "yea. I'malright". It sounded like he wanted to burst into tears. But he couldn't. He shouldn't.

I felt empty
I felt insignificant compared to so many others
I felt scared ; imagining myself if I was in NY how would I feel? What would I have seen? What would I have heard?
I can't imagine it.

Gotta get moving

I used to play hockey. For a while, it was my whole life. I mean, I hated my job, didn't have a boyfriend, never joined things in my life before, so what else was I going to do? I joined 2 teams, 2 classes and loved every minute of it. I was social. I gained confidence. I always was a terrific skater so I was good at it (well, at least the skating part). I was SURROUNDED by men. I got along with the instructor. I went on dates with some of the players. It was a blast.

I actually scored 2 goals against the men too. Woo hoo.

But then it got boring. The classes ended because the instructor moved on to another clinic. I heard he started another one only to find out this year, he isn't having it for adults. *Damn!

I rejoined the women's team that I hated. It proved that I still hated it. All the girls were cliquish, caddy, unfriendly (well except 2). I was so unmotivated to play. I felt like I was that 7 year old shy outcast all over again. I hated it. It didn't help that I never went to the practices. But I never saw the point in going. Whey go if everyone ignores you during the teamming up part of practices?

I always had a hard time making friends with women. Usually if there was one really nice person, then I was ok, but other than that---zilch. I was labeled the geek because I was quiet.

So now I'm thinking of joining speed skating. I mean, the one main reason I loved hockey was the speed skating aspects of it. I could outskate any man on the team or at the very least, keep up with the best of them.

The problem is I read that speed skate boots are $300. The blades (which are detachable) are another $300.

Shit.

I have literally NO money and we are starting late in the season. There is no way I'm going to sit around the house day in and day out anymore. I'm so bored lately I could just pull my hair out and scream naked down the street. All I do is sit around for 8 hours at work, 2 in the car, and 4 when I get home and another 12 when I am sleeping. Jeese, who can sit for that long?

Maybe I'm better at individual sports where everything relies on your and your "teammates" keep their "you screwed up our game" attitude at home? Maybe I can meet a friend this way?

I've gotta do something. I'm too young to be this depressed, this inactive, and this unsocial. It's killing me. It's affecting my work. I can't concentrate. I can't get moving. I can't budge out of this funk and it's getting worse.

Somethings got to give
Somethings got to get moving
Might as well be me.

Isn't it ironic?

I was listening to CVR tapes (ie. black box recordings from airplane crashes) and I found one in particular that is totally bad karma in action.

It was Delta Flight 1141. August 31, 1988.

On the CVR you can hear the Delta pilot talk to one of the passengers about CVR recordings. He was jokingly telling the passenger that on a CVR tape from long ago, the CVR recorded how the pilots on that flight were discussing their dating habits. The Delta pilot said it was a dumb thing to do because the pilot of that flight was telling his co-pilot about his affair with a stewardess. The plane crashed and the wife of the dead pilot found out about the affair from the CVR tape.

The Delta 1141 pilot told the passenger that you should always tell good stories so you can leave good memories for your family that you leave behind. The passenger agreed and sat down.

Readout of the CVR also showed that the crew had been engaged in talk with the flight attendants prior to takeoff and had not ever completed the checklist. Ironically, the crew had even jokingly told the flight attendants that they were getting their voices on the CVR "in case we crash", so that investigators would have something to listen to.


Moments later, Delta Flight 1141 crashed.

*shudder*

Is it 5 yet?

It's one of those days where I'm in such a bla mood that I desperately want to just go home and be alone. I'm so tired and emotionally worn out from my parents, V, work, and even myself. I just desperately need a day to just lay in bed and enjoy the sunshine. I feel so uninspired, so very tired, and bored. I can barely keep my eyes open or my mind focused. I hate these days. I don't have any vacation left and I noticed that I take off 1 "sick" day per month. And the fact that we just got back from HI, a 4 day weekend, and I have no sick days left, I'm screwed. I wonder if I can make it one more day?

bla bla bla

100 things you should know (or run from)

I noticed that a lot of blogs have the 100 things about me page so readers can get to know someone. But I think the exercise is great because it makes you think about yourself---and gloat, laugh, go "hmmmm, I AM a freak". So here it goes:

1) I was adopted but never knew it until I was 20
2) I met my birth mom and found out I had a 1/2 older brother
3) The journey to find them was amazing
4) The next journey in life---to find out about myself---continues to be amazing
5) I was engaged twice. Once was a huge mistake. The other was a sad situation
6) I am determined. A quality I love about myself
7) I am currently married. Got married July 20th 2002.
8) Marriage scares me
9) I have had 6 jobs--one for each year
10) I've hated all my jobs except my current one
11) I've finally banished my parents out of my life because I can't take their abuse
12) My best friend is more than a friend--she is like a sister, mother, and friend rolled into one
13) My husband asked me to marry him while being underwater in front of 150 people
14) I love animals to death
15) I have owned a dog, fish, ferrets.
16) I know own 2 cats and a dog. The husband owns fish (I took over the fuzzy animals)
17) I pulled a stranger out of a burning car--amazing what dead weight feels like
18) I did PR for Hillary Clinton when she visited a place I was interning
19) Hillary didn't impress me
20) I have been asked by 2 separate photographers if I wanted to model when I was a teen. One of them worked for Ford Modeling Agency
21) I was stupid to turn down the Ford photographer.
22) I love to travel
23) I LOVE Arizona
24) I have never lived anywhere else but Shitcago
25) I HATE Shitcago
26) I my friends and I kidnapped a sailor once
27) I have never done any illegal drug but smoked weed once--hated it
28) I have never went away to college and I regret it
29) I have never "done" Spring Break and I regret it
30) My number one goal in life is to make up for my regrets
31) I have a friend I met online
32) I met my husband online
33) I told a boss to go fuck himself
34) I have upped and quit a job because I hated the dictator-type management style
35) I have never regretted doing that :)
36) I have been stupid with love
37) I have a BA and MA in science writing
38) I received a scholarship for my MA
39) I should have stuck with my first major--graphic design
40) I want to pose for erotic magazines---not showing "pink" but more of an artistic nude style magazine
41) I love Aria Giovanni
42) I really want to master photoshop, illustrator, flash, and 3d programs
43) I would love to have my own web business
44) My goal is to live in Arizona one day
45) San Diego is a close second
46) Florida would be the third choice
47) I play ice hockey on a men's league
48) I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, to shake my groove thang
49) I'm at my happiest dancing
50) I never owned my own car until 25
51) My first car was a piece of crap and I hated it
52) I've owned 2 after that
53) I've decided that all GM cars/suv/trucks suck
54) I want a Jeep Liberty
55) I live for Pier1
56) I don't have a favorite color. I love all pastels
57) I am addicted to decorating our house
58) I am not prissy. I call myself a feminine Tom Boy
59) I love all forms of music...yes, even Country
60) I have been to a country bar.
61) I have gone out to places totally by myself to strike up conversations with strangers and I loved it. You learn so much through people
62) I admire and love my best friend
63) I miss my best friend (haven't seen her in a long time)
64) I was raised an only child and I hated it
65) I wish I had different parents
66) My vices are: overkill on the swearing when mad, impatient, do not like to lose control of situations
67) I need to get a bank account once again
68) I love camping, hiking, biking, rollerblading
69) I would love to try a new sport and stick with it
70) I have a deep interest in forensics
71) I am pro death penalty
72) I am very introverted around groups, work, school
73) I am very extroverted around people I feel comfortable with
74) I can be a bid dork and I like it that way
75) I am proud of my openness
76) I am proud of my ability to protect my friends and people I love
77) I love sapphires set in platinum and diamonds
78) I love flowers
79) I love the smell, taste, and feel of Arizona
80) I was never happier than the time I was alone for the first time, exploring life
81) I had every color hair (well natural colors) except blonde
82) My wavy hair annoys me
83) I always wanted to be the female Eddie Van Halen
84) I've been told my eyes are my best feature
85) I love E! True Hollywood Story
86) I love the 1940's glamour of Hollywood
87) I could never grow my nails long
88) I think every person should have a professional massage every 2 weeks
89) I like the smell of patchoulli
90) My favorite book(s) are the Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles
91) I remember the character's name in my favorite book when I was 7, was "Mika"
92) I treasure my alone time and need it daily
93) I loved the 7 Pools on the Road to Hana
94) I swam in 1 of the actual 28 pools
95) The bamboo forest in one section of the Road to Hana was breathtaking but not as breathtaking as AZ
96) I've done kickboxing and loved it
97) I hate Macs
98) I love Vegas
99) I had a lap dance by a female stripper.
100) One day, I'll be at peace. Until then, I'll dance around like a freak :)

Me, smores, and a laptop

Well the pain in the ass client topped it this time. Me, the VP, my boss, and the database guru get this email today.

"Unfortunately, it appears that the server was down again from 9:00 - 3:00
last Sunday. Could everyone check the site a couple of times over the
holiday weekend to make sure it's up and running OK?"

Yea. I'll sit around the campfire, smores in hand, and laptop aglow. If the server goes down, I'll send the chipmunk to go reboot it.

She's high.

We have an automatic server reboot. Our logs show that the server did go down but went back up within 5 minutes. We told her this. We showed her the reports.

But she wants us to have her life---which is no life.

Yea, I got your server right here babe.

"Talk to the left because you know you ain't right. "

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

So mad I could spit...

For once I was hired to do a job I love. As you know I'm a web designer. When I was hired they told me I would be internet architect, content management, and whatever new skills I want to learn. Well that sounded great. Except the internet architect and the content management never came into play. Instead I'm a cut and paste girl, make a link girl, no one knows what I do girl.

During the review one of the goals I had was to have more control over architecture. I was so happy because it came right from the VP.

Well so far..nothing and the topper today was seeing a art director waltz in last week and today she's doing the architect.

WHAT THE FUCK??? HELLO? DO YOU SEE ME SITTING HERE?

I'm so pissed. I don't know what to say to the VP or how to approach the subject but I'm tired of getting ran over.

I don't know if I should say "what the hell? you are the one that told me I had control over architecture"
When I asked coworkers after my review if the VP said anything to them about my new duties they looked baffled.

I guess he didn't. Obviously he didn't.

I'm getting pissier by the day.

Now to find a way to get noticed without letting the anger show through and get labeled "crybaby" like the network admin guy.

I am so angry I could just scream.

I need something to kick....

God damn it where is Aretha when I need her?